Sunday, October 16, 2011

recent times

I moved about a month and a half ago.  Since the move, life has continued to be chaotic, with glimpses of rest in my new place.  I've been steadily addressing things in the new place since I moved.  From unpacking boxes and bins (and discovering things I haven't used in a while!), to arranging for a plumber to come fix the leaky sink and putting in a new heater filter, this has been an adventure.  I have a landlord, but they live in a different town, meaning that I still frequently have to take care of things, since there's no property management company.

I've learned to enjoy the solitude.  Coming home to the quiet, listening to the aspen trees rustle outside my windows, are part of my new ambiance.  I've been decorating and unpacking, getting bookshelves from IKEA to store my massive collection of books that have accumulated over the years (thanks to my Kindle, the collection won't grow too much or have to be toted with me in boxes).  I bought a heated mattress pad, purely on the justification that I should be able to get into a warm bed at night.  For those of you not living in this part of the country, it gets pretty chilly at night, especially since my place faces north.

I continue to wrestle with some intense things.  I think that God is trying to "clean out the closets" which happens to be rather painful.  It's really hard to objectively see past relationships (with family, friends, dating, etc) as what they were (such as neglectful, unhealthy and negative).  I've discovered that some friendships that I thought were "safe" were actually not, and I've had to put distance where it is needed.

In the midst of this, my church has started a series on Extravagant Grace. 1 John 3:1 comes to mind every time I sit through one of the messages "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God!  And that is what we are!"  A love & grace that reminds me of my status in God's eyes - a beloved, precious, and cherished daughter.  He doesn't do other things when I talk to Him, His attention is on me!  I don't have to fight to be heard, or wonder if He cares.  I don't have to live under the oppressive burden of shame or guilt - two uninvited guests that tend to show up about the same time that depression and loneliness arrive.  I'm called to live, actually live, in freedom!  Our pastor made a statement that caused me to think & I'll pass it along: "Just because we are free doesn't mean that we'll live like we're free."  I'm tired of living like a convict, like a thieving Jean Valjean from Les Miserables.  I want to run in freedom & feel the wind of that freedom against my skin!

Hopefully next time I write I'll have some pictures of my place or something else fun! 


Gail said...

I love hearing what you're wrestling with--great thoughts. Looking forward to seeing some pictures! Take care--Gail

Marie said...

You're beautiful. I love hearing what's on your heart.