"There'll be days like this, there'll be days like this, my momma said...." That's kind of how I feel today. It really wasn't a bad day. I woke up to a light dusting of snow outside, but I get to park in the garage (which is way more reliable than I man, I've been told). I saw wonderful children today, with no issues. But after work is when the simmering surface boiled over.
I started to recognize one of the core issues that I struggle with on a regular basis. I have this awful tendency (thank you, humanity) for measuring myself against other people & finding myself one up or one down. I started thinking about how I'm going to Kansas City in a little over a week, where I will be surrounded by dear friends from college who are all married & have children. Minus 1 for me. I started thinking about friends moving away and the grief that I'm trying to learn how to feel in the midst of that. Another minus 1 for me. I drifted toward the issue of relationships and my lack thereof, and how even my Mother once told me I should just settle. That one was like a minus 1,000. I continued to do this as I thought about so many things, until before I realized it, the floor had fallen out from under me and I was like negative 1.5 million.
How did that happen? How did the enemy come in and start planting awful things in my mind? How do I combat such unconscious attacks on my confidence and self-worth? My head knows that I'm a daughter of the King of kings and I am fully known by Him and fully loved. But I feel like so little around me affirms my value. So this is what I'm wrestling with tonight and I'm sure I'll wrestle with it for a while longer, too.