Sunday, September 26, 2010

pink earmuffs

It's been a little bit since I last posted.  Nothing much has changed & I am continuing to work on the whole delighting thing.  I've come to realize that I am not defined by my job, my relationship status, looks or anything else that the world places so much value on.
However, I felt really strange this morning.  Like I needed to cry or something.  I went to church and came home.  I started watching an HBO documentary on "Last Letters," which I knew would likely cause me to cry.  The documentary was of families that lost loved ones in Iraq and had them reading the last letters they received.  The whole thing built up emotions for me and the last one was a woman from Colorado who was pregnant when she found out her husband died.  She also continued to receive letters for quite some time after he passed.  I'm pretty sure she was on Oprah or something.  All that emotion in me led me to go sit outside & journal for a bit.  I started thinking about my Dad & my own family's commitment to this country.
My Dad made huge sacrifices for my family.  He wanted my Mom, brother & me to have a better life than he had in rural Missouri.  He wanted to give us better opportunities than he had.  I vividly remember when he went to Kuwait when I was in second grade.  I desperately wanted pink earmuffs for Christmas.  I knew that Daddy would somehow find them for me.  As a family, we had an early celebration with Daddy of Christmas before he deployed.  I got pink earmuffs!  I was so thrilled!  But Daddy still had to leave.  I remember the yellow ribbon tied around the lamp post in the front yard.  A reminder to everyone of the sacrifice our family was making.  I remember my Mom recording on a tape cassette my brother & me opening presents Christmas morning so that she could mail it to Daddy & he could be a part of that too.  I remember her making what seemed like vats of caramel corn & chex mix to send over in care packages.
While I was journaling about all these memories, tears were streaming down my face.  I'm still not entirely sure why this needed to come back, but it did.  And I will continue to process this for some time, I'm sure.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Thanks to one of the Air Force Academy cadets, this song has been stuck in my head all weekend.  Click here to watch the video & hear the song.  Apparently it's loosely based on the poem by Tennyson called "The Lady of Shallott," which I read quickly yesterday, but would like to read with more attention to detail.
Speaking of funny stories involving Air Force cadets, here's a snippet of a conversation with a co-worker.
Steph (my co-worker): "I think it would be so easy to meet a guy here.  I mean, you walk into Wal-mart & there's Air Force Academy cadets everywhere!"
Me: "Steph, I'm like 8 years older than a lot of them at this point!"
Steph: "I guess that's true...."
I'm gearing up for a move (again)!  I brought over a bunch of stuff to my new place already.  Maybe I'll actually live there for more than a year!

Saturday, September 04, 2010


I have been on a journey (still am), if you haven't noticed.  Part of my path has been to come to a crossroad recently.  I have been really challenged with what & where God wants me.  I have so many dreams & desires.  God has asked me if I'm ready to give those to Him.  To lay them down, trusting Him for something completely different.  I thought long & hard about this proposition.  Weighing it all, but knowing that ultimately, how can I refuse my Lord?  How could I truly say to God "my way is better?"  He has asked me to delight in Him.  To stay where I am for the rest of my life (physically) or move all over creation, if He so desires.  To be single or with a family.  But first & foremost to delight in doing what He asks.
This may sound like a very bizarre concept to some of you.  I know, because at first it sounded insane to me.  God reminded me of a passage from C.S. Lewis' Perelandra, which is part of the Space Trilogy, recounting the adventures of Dr. Ransom.  This quote in particular is what hit me: "This man has said that the law against living on the Fixed Island is different from the other Laws, because it is not the same for all worlds and because we cannot see the goodness in it. And so far he says well. But then he says that it is thus different in order that you may disobey it. But there might be another reason. . . I think He made one law of that kind in order that there might be obedience. In all these other matters what you call obeying Him is but doing what seems good in your own eyes also. Is love content with that? You do them, indeed, because they are His will, but not only because they are His will. Where can you taste the joy of obeying unless He bids you do something for which His bidding is the only reason? When we spoke last you said that if you told the beasts to walk on their heads they would delight to do so. So I know that you understand well what I am saying."  I know it may be a bit difficult to follow out of context (please read the books!  They are great!).  But the general idea is delighting in obedience even when I don't "get it."  Even when what I'm being asked to obey seems completely in the opposite direction of where I'm headed.
Part of this journey has also been in trust.  Moving trust in God from a circumstance based trust to a trust that supersedes my surroundings.  If my trust is based on God doing or not doing something, then if what I fear to happen occurs, my "trust" is shattered.  This revelation has been part of the process of working through fears & insecurities, which has been greatly due to reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore.
Can I face my fears head on & still trust God?  Can I delight regardless of the direction my life takes & the ways I'm asked to obey?  Only God knows that I will fall short constantly, but I am asking for the grace for today & to cover my worries based on tomorrow.