Saturday, October 23, 2010


Have you ever had those moments where you wonder "How did my life get here?"  Like walking through Target to buy yet another friend another baby shower gift.  Or wanting to go to a movie with someone and no one is available because they're all married.  Or having friends celebrate 5 year anniversaries and I've never even had a date.  Or sitting in church by myself thinking that everyone around me is married or like 90 years old.  Those moments when you feel like you're the only person in the world with your problem.  Yeah, I know that I'm not alone.  I've got 2 roommates who feel the same way.  But they're both not here today.

I especially feel that way when I go to public places on a weekend.  I'm intensely aware of families.  I think part of it is coming from a very broken home.  Another part is feeling so much now of how I want a family.  I work in the midst of them all day every day.  Some incredible and amazing.  Others make me want to quit my job.

It's days like today where my budget gets nearly shot because I'm tired & feel alone & just want to spend money.  Like buying an Amazon Kindle.  Surely a Kindle will cure my loneliness and make me happy, right?  NOT.  Or maybe continuing to wallow in self pity will?

In all of this, I struggle to believe that God is not holding out.  That He's truly good.  Questions like, "If God were good, why am I not married by now, or even seriously dating?" run through my mind.  I've realized in the past few months of working on all my issues that God was rescuing me (and likely whoever I may marry) from a big huge mess.  I've been tackling a lot of things in my life with God leading me through prayer, lots of tears and hard work.  But it's hard to go through all of that feeling so alone.  So here I am.  Feeling a little exposed, but honest.

1 comment:

Marie said...

I am not sure what to say. It's sometimes hard to know the line between feeling guilty for what I have (a family) and yet not throwing my life in the faces of my single friends, single mom friends, friends in estranged marriages, and friends who are desperately hoping for children's faces. I really appreciate your honesty because you have been my friend for many years now (as in 11!) and I want to know how you are feeling. The thing is, I do believe that God will bring you someone--at some point. He does want you to trust Him, even though it's hard. Of course you can't stay away from all the families out there, but maybe you could skip some of the baby showers if they bring more pain than joy? Wish them well and go out with your roomies for brunch instead--some place that wouldn't allow kids. My biggest piece of advice without belittling your situation (trust me, I know the pain and hurt is real) is to take this time and do things for you. Climb more fourteeners, run more races, sign up for cooking classes, find more friends who are in the same stage of life. Don't squander this precious time. It will not last forever. Someday you will be writing posts about being puked on, or as in my case, feeling like you have a hangover without actually having one. I love you Nat. I am hoping big things for you and I am glad I get to be your friend.