ponderings

Have you ever had those moments where you wonder "How did my life get here?"  Like walking through Target to buy yet another friend another baby shower gift.  Or wanting to go to a movie with someone and no one is available because they're all married.  Or having friends celebrate 5 year anniversaries and I've never even had a date.  Or sitting in church by myself thinking that everyone around me is married or like 90 years old.  Those moments when you feel like you're the only person in the world with your problem.  Yeah, I know that I'm not alone.  I've got 2 roommates who feel the same way.  But they're both not here today.

I especially feel that way when I go to public places on a weekend.  I'm intensely aware of families.  I think part of it is coming from a very broken home.  Another part is feeling so much now of how I want a family.  I work in the midst of them all day every day.  Some incredible and amazing.  Others make me want to quit my job.

It's days like today where my budget gets nearly shot because I'm tired & feel alone & just want to spend money.  Like buying an Amazon Kindle.  Surely a Kindle will cure my loneliness and make me happy, right?  NOT.  Or maybe continuing to wallow in self pity will?

In all of this, I struggle to believe that God is not holding out.  That He's truly good.  Questions like, "If God were good, why am I not married by now, or even seriously dating?" run through my mind.  I've realized in the past few months of working on all my issues that God was rescuing me (and likely whoever I may marry) from a big huge mess.  I've been tackling a lot of things in my life with God leading me through prayer, lots of tears and hard work.  But it's hard to go through all of that feeling so alone.  So here I am.  Feeling a little exposed, but honest.